Thursday, June 21, 2007

Pandora's Box

Of all the things we lose when we feel as though we have lost everything, we still have hope. And of all things, hope is the most injurious, depraved, and tragic, the most unfortunate.

"It was a long and gloomy night that gathered on me, haunted by the ghosts of many hopes, of many dear remembrances, many errors, many unavailing sorrows and regrets." - Dickens


Having just renewed my prescription today, I had to think about my life, unfortunate as that may be to do. I hate having to rely on medication to make me feel normal. I don't even know what normal is anymore. How can I? I didn't feel normal before, and now I have nothing on which to base my idea of normality. And the fact that I have to live the rest of my life taking this medication and feeling this way and seeing doctors to make me feel "normal," to keep me sane, just plain sucks. But I suppose the alternative would be worse. At least now while taking this medication, if not for my own benefit, I can possibly make better the lives of the people I love and whom I keep close to me since they don't have to deal with how I used to be, at least not to the same degree.

The past few days I haven't been able to sleep, and I've noticed that I haven't needed to. I used to like this feeling, to be able to stay up all night and day and get things done I wouldn't be able to otherwise. But now I know why I feel this way sometimes, and what will certainly follow. And frankly, that scares me to death. Sometimes knowing what will happen in the future, even the near future, is more frightening than not knowing. Then again, there are instances when knowing what will happen in the future can be relieving. There is, of course, one thing about the future about which I wish I knew now. I still have my hope, but we all know that hope could ultimately lead to more pain. But I can't give it up. It's the only thing that I have anymore.