so empty, so estranged

She lifts her skirt up to her knees,
walks through the garden rows with her bare feet, laughing.
I never learned to count my blessings.
I choose instead to dwell in my disasters.

I walk on down the hill,
through the grass grown tall and brown.
And still it's hard somehow to let go of my pain.
On past the busted back
of that old and rusted Cadillac
that sinks into this field collecting rain.

Will I always feel this way,
so empty, so estranged?

Of these cutthroat busted sunsets,
these cold and damp white mornings, I have grown weary.
If through my cracked and dusty dime-store lips,
I spoke these words out loud would no one hear me?

Lay your blouse across the chair,
let fall the flowers from your hair,
and kiss me with that country mouth so plain.
Outside the rain is tapping on the leaves.
To me it sounds like they're applauding us,
the quiet love we make.

Will I always feel this way,
so empty, so estranged?

Well I looked my demons in the eye,
laid bare my chest, said do your best, destroy me.
See I've been to hell and back so many times,
I must admit you kinda bore me.

There's a lot of things that can kill a man.
There's a lot of ways to die.
Yes and some already dead and walk beside me.
There's a lot of things I don't understand:
why so many people lie.
It's the hurt I hide that fuels the fires inside me.

Will I always feel this way,
so empty, so estranged.

~"Empty" Ray Lamontagne

********************

I have to say that most of that song applies to how I usually feel. Especially the "I never learned to count my blessings. I choose instead to dwell in my disasters" part. It's just hard to let go of the bad things from the past and so easy to forget all the good.

so let's start at the beginning of this story...

There you were in your perfection looking on.
You could see that I could only run in circles for so long.
You just press on and on and on until you finally catch a grip on me.
Like gravity you take me around and turn me upside down.
That's when it all came screaming back.

Just like gravity, what draws you to me,
someone I didn't know I needed?
It's like gravity, it's stronger than me.
I need you here.

~The Fold

battered and just left for dead

take this song of love
disfigure it in any way you can
while you have your chance
'cause I'll never sing of love again, again...

~Nural

********************

I felt like complete ass today. I hope I can actually get some sleep tonight. At least more than last night. I wish I could actually describe to someone how I actually feel everyday. My difficulty in doing so is mainly because I just can't seem to put it into any words that would actually make sense. I suppose I feel like I'm constantly falling to my death from an impossibly high cliff. I know what's at the bottom, but I can't help but hope that it's something else. Anything but what I know it is or just more empty space.

Oh, and I have the title for my first book of poems I'll probably never publish, courtesy of Chazz from Blades of Glory: Let Me Put My Poems in You.

********************

Fact: "Love is not a bandage to cover wounds." ~ Hugh Elliott

I just can't seem to get it right today.

I guess I'm gonna give up.

~JP

********************

Truth: Life is full of only holding on and letting go.

Leave it to me to live out a lie

Mice playing the piano?

********************

I suppose living by myself wouldn't be too bad. It's just not the same though. This place is so empty right now. It's pathetic that it's only been two full days and I feel like I do. I just don't like it too much. And as much as I love the dog, she really doesn't say too much.

********************

Truth: If you don't have something nice to say, you probably have an opinion.

You have broken me....

...all the way down.

********************

Anywhere but here.

t-freaking-mesis

Finally, after weeks of trying to remembering the damn word, I've found it: tmesis. Tmesis is abso-freaking-lutely awesome. One of the best words ever.

Alive In Conclusion

There's possibly nothing worse than hearing from your doctor that you're at risk of heart disease because of high cholesterol. It has me thinking of the same damn thing that I always think about at night that keeps me from going to sleep. Something I haven't thought of much lately. Something I write too much poetry about. The Big D. And, um, I don't mean Dallas. Or divorce. Honestly, we're all too young to die. Maybe I'm being selfish, but I think that everyone living forever wouldn't be a bad thing. And why is it that we haven't found a cure for death yet. For the most part, we die because our system shuts down and crap stops working. Why can't we fix that? I just can't stand the thought of not existing any longer.

And if we somehow are reincarnated in another body with no recollection of our former selves, that doesn't seem like much of a consolation. People always say that they must have been bad in a former life to deserve such a crappy life. For me, though, it was this one I've screwed up so much in that has caused me grief, that has caused my life to be so crappy. But I shouldn't bitch, I've got a pretty damn good life. I just wish I could change a few things.

Where do I stand?

Someone keeps shooting out the street lights.

********************

Uncertainty couldn't be the worst thing, could it? I'm standing on an empty street in the middle of the night. I can see headlights. The car could hit me. Or, it could pick me up and take me somewhere better than a dark street in the middle of the night.

********************

Holy crap!! What is with exclamation points anyway?!?! Talk about fake, useless, pry-some-emotion-from-your-reader punctuation!!! And the worst part is that they come at the end of a sentence so you didn't even know the sentence was supposed to be an exclamation until the end!!! I can't stand it! Especially in freaking poetry!! At least they're not as bad as WRITING IN ALL CAPS!!!! AHHHH!!!!

woke up spitting seaweed off of my face

quicksand is the water I am treading...

~Diffuser

Mixed metaphor anyone?

********************

Truth: "Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed"

where to go from here

I'm not happy teaching high school. I'm not happy with what I'm writing. I need to find something else to do. Thinking about the future is hard to do when all you want is to make it how you want it. You run the possibilities through your head, account for all of the variables, figure out how you can make things the way you want them. In the end, though, it never turns out how you imagined it. It will inevitably leave you dissatisfied. Being grateful for what you already have is a good thing to do, but that inherently makes you not try for something better. I want something better. I know what I want, and that's what kills me.

I would love to live in Chicago or somewhere like it. Boston, maybe. Maybe somewhere in Michigan or Wisconsin. Though, thinking about those places and their unbearably cold winters doesn't sound too appealing. I kind of love Florida. The weather here is perfect. Maybe I'll move to Miami. I loved it there. Or maybe I'm just remembering and holding on to my time visiting there last summer. Or maybe I say the word maybe too much. Maybe, just maybe, that's my problem. Perhaps?

********************

Truth: it always was

Oh, and come in here and rub my......ego.

you're my beloved...

...you just don't know it yet.

********************

Forgive me for shooting you glances in the dark.

********************

enough?

underestimating the waves...

there's no possible way to go back now

********************

Finally I have a computer that works. There's nothing worse than a computer with all of your writing on it crashing out of nowhere. I'm just glad I backed up everything before it went. God, that would have sucked to lose all of that and retype all that I had printed out already.

And I finally have a bedroom I can actually almost live in. It's a storage shed no more. Now if I could just buy a bed and some bookcases and get rid of the last few boxes I'll be all set.

the split

how the hands look so strange apart...

ignorance is (not) bliss

"If you won't learn our language, get the hell out of our country." I wouldn't have a problem if English became America's national language. Though, I don't think it should. But why is it that the ones who always argue that it should be our national language, the ones who condemn those who have yet to learn English, are the ones who have themselves not yet mastered our language? Yes, I realize you "ain't skeered" by anything liberals have to say, and that, on the issue of making English as our official language, you want to "Git-R-done." But honestly, learn how to construct a coherent fucking sentence and quit proving to the world that, while English isn't our national language yet, ignorance certainly is. Oh, and American is not a language, moron.

********************

Over 85% of the world's problems could be resolved by the abolition of ignorance. Over 80% of this country is ignorant. Interesting. Very interesting.

numbing charade...

I feel like crap. My chest hurts; I can't stop coughing; I'm completely clogged; and my joints feel like someone is driving nails through them. I feel like pulling my arms off and gouging out my eyes.

six feet

If Hillary does get the Democratic nomination and eventually goes on to run the country, the ground will gladly accept us.

progress, not regress

Republican: We are 100% for equal rights.
Democrat: Well, what about blacks and other minorities, women, homosexuals, the poor?
Republican: Yeah. They're equal, too. Of course, not equal to us rich white guys, but to each other. And dog shit.

********************

How to be a true Republican: Believe that making millions is the American dream and a God-given right, as long as you're white; Believe that God said that homosexuality is wrong because the Bible said so, but forget the fact that the Bible was written by man and man is inherently corrupt; Believe that leaving no child behind in the educational system means leaving every child behind in the educational system; Believe that financing educational progress isn't important as long as we have big bombs; Believe that Democracy should be spread across the globe no matter how many people have to die to accomplish our goal; Believe that all countries deserve our help so long as they have something to give us, like oil (sorry Africa); Believe that everything that's wrong with our country is the fault of those crazy liberals because they believe in true equality and progress.

shut your face...

Being Billy Boy's lapdog for eight years in the White House hardly qualifies as political experience. Oh, yeah. You sure know how to stand up for yourself. "Oh wait, you want the other cheek? Again?" Shame on you, Hillary Clinton. Shame on you.

One point twenty-one gigawatts?!?!?!?

Democrat: We're all about the future.
Republican: The future? Isn't that where Reagan is from?