Tuesday, August 5, 2008
i need a break
If you want to figure out exactly what it is you miss about something you've lost that you'll never get back, spend a few days alone. Jeez.
the disjointed
If you hold on to an idea for too long, you will be left with nothing but calloused and bloody hands until, finally, you will have no choice but to finally let go.
********************
I've broken these bones to feel pain for which there is a cure, not for completeness. I've closed my eyes, not out of fear, but for the quiet inherent in the dark. I've forgiven myself, not necessarily because I felt I did something wrong, but to finally know what it feels like to be forgiven.
********************
I've broken these bones to feel pain for which there is a cure, not for completeness. I've closed my eyes, not out of fear, but for the quiet inherent in the dark. I've forgiven myself, not necessarily because I felt I did something wrong, but to finally know what it feels like to be forgiven.
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Friday, June 27, 2008
Your answer is in there...
...just stare down the barrel.
The sincerest apologies won't write you out of this one.
Tonight you'll find the right in the pull of the trigger, now bite.
Young fools, don't cry anymore.
The sincerest apologies won't write you out of this one.
Tonight you'll find the right in the pull of the trigger, now bite.
Young fools, don't cry anymore.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
questions about love
Which is worse: wanting what you don't have, or having what you don't want?
********************
If the opposite of love is holding on too long, why can't I just let go?
********************
Truth: I don't want to let go.
********************
If the opposite of love is holding on too long, why can't I just let go?
********************
Truth: I don't want to let go.
switch
In this light, I see you for what you are. Is it too much to ask to go back to darkness, to close my eyes once more and be content with the view?
Thursday, May 8, 2008
something less than love
Things I despise:
1. TV and radio commercials that are annoying as hell: stupid white shirts flying like birds; stupid cracker/pretzel lady (close your damn mouth while you chew); stupid safelite; I could go on, but won't for lack of good memory)
2. Hillary Clinton: I can't even stand to look at her, let alone hear that damn cackle.
3. Exclamation points
4. The past
5. False hope
6. Letting go
7. Money (which is why I always try to keep very little)
8. Assholes who drive behind you with high beams on.
9. Slow drivers
10. Not being able to sleep
11. Sleeping too much
12. BPD
13. Cleaning
14. Worrying about the future
15. Inevitability/Uncertainty/Words that rhyme with faint
********************
Driving home today, I realized again how difficult it's going to be to come home to an empty house that stays empty. To go to bed with no one there. To eat alone. To not have someone to cook for but myself.
I also realized how much I drive to work and back home without ever paying attention to anything. I get to where I'm going and barely remember driving there. Scary.
1. TV and radio commercials that are annoying as hell: stupid white shirts flying like birds; stupid cracker/pretzel lady (close your damn mouth while you chew); stupid safelite; I could go on, but won't for lack of good memory)
2. Hillary Clinton: I can't even stand to look at her, let alone hear that damn cackle.
3. Exclamation points
4. The past
5. False hope
6. Letting go
7. Money (which is why I always try to keep very little)
8. Assholes who drive behind you with high beams on.
9. Slow drivers
10. Not being able to sleep
11. Sleeping too much
12. BPD
13. Cleaning
14. Worrying about the future
15. Inevitability/Uncertainty/Words that rhyme with faint
********************
Driving home today, I realized again how difficult it's going to be to come home to an empty house that stays empty. To go to bed with no one there. To eat alone. To not have someone to cook for but myself.
I also realized how much I drive to work and back home without ever paying attention to anything. I get to where I'm going and barely remember driving there. Scary.
where the wild things shouldn't be
For the love of all things unholy, Hillary, just give up. The party is over. Everyone has left but you as you sit there in Obama's house nibbling on the cracker crumbs he's left on the dish in the living room. Yes, when the host sitting in his PJ's looks uncomfortably at his watch while you ramble on about the good ole days, it means it's time to go. Grab your purse and Bill's leash and head your drunk, pantsuit-wearing fat ass out the front door. Or better yet, use the backdoor. We don't want people to know that Obama associates with such a conniving bitch as yourself.
Sunday, May 4, 2008
she has a fear of heights
She has a fear of love,
accepting everything but what she really dreamed of.
She keeps her heart locked;
no she won't ever answer even though she hears a knock.
But love is at the door,
and after all isn't that what we are here for?
I want to rescue her,
but I've already tried, for there is only one cure.
********************
Casually I walk under the sunless sky,
yet so naively.
She was the first one to catch my eye,
and I was hers.
All at once I fell for you,
you fell for me,
we fell too soon...
This isn't over it never was.
Are you the type to settle or move on just because
it's easier for you?
Or are you feeling like you need to get away
from looks you never got and words I did not say?
I'd say them all today,
if I could...
~TDAA
accepting everything but what she really dreamed of.
She keeps her heart locked;
no she won't ever answer even though she hears a knock.
But love is at the door,
and after all isn't that what we are here for?
I want to rescue her,
but I've already tried, for there is only one cure.
********************
Casually I walk under the sunless sky,
yet so naively.
She was the first one to catch my eye,
and I was hers.
All at once I fell for you,
you fell for me,
we fell too soon...
This isn't over it never was.
Are you the type to settle or move on just because
it's easier for you?
Or are you feeling like you need to get away
from looks you never got and words I did not say?
I'd say them all today,
if I could...
~TDAA
Saturday, April 19, 2008
first impressions...
...are the hardest to forget.
********************
If I had to pay money to take back all I did and make things right, I would be in debt for the rest of my life. All the lies, all the wrong decisions, all the stupid mistakes and pointless fights. Trying to make things right is difficult, nearly impossible, when all you've done for the past three years is screw things up. You can't make someone forget what you've done, especially when while you're trying to fix things, you continue to do those things that screwed everything up in the first place. Maybe it's too late. I certainly don't want it to be.
********************
I'll never be able to forget how I felt the first time I saw you, what I thought. I'll never be able to forget the night you said you were in love with me and my stupid response of "Oh." Oh? Seriously? How about I always knew. How about I was hoping you would say that to me. How about I feel the same way, that I have since we started to spend so much time together: before the late-night paper sessions, before my riding my bike over to your apartment in the middle of the night just so I could spend a little more time with you, even though I had just dropped you off an hour before, even though I wouldn't be able to sleep all night because I didn't want a single minute to go by where I wasn't looking at you. I felt the same way before we finally went out together alone, when we sat in that bar, in that front booth, after everyone had left us there to talk about everything. How about I'm in love with you too, but I'm just too afraid to say it because I've never felt that in that way before and am afraid of what it meant to the rest of my life, to my life before I ever met you. I want it all back. I want to go back to that night we talked in that bar and do things differently, completely. I want it to be OK to be selfish by wanting it to be OK to say that I need you and want you forever, to be OK for you to feel the same way again. I don't want it to be too late.
********************
Truth 1: It's not too late.
Truth 2: Maybe it is.
Truth 3: It's always been you whom I've been trying to impress.
********************
If I had to pay money to take back all I did and make things right, I would be in debt for the rest of my life. All the lies, all the wrong decisions, all the stupid mistakes and pointless fights. Trying to make things right is difficult, nearly impossible, when all you've done for the past three years is screw things up. You can't make someone forget what you've done, especially when while you're trying to fix things, you continue to do those things that screwed everything up in the first place. Maybe it's too late. I certainly don't want it to be.
********************
I'll never be able to forget how I felt the first time I saw you, what I thought. I'll never be able to forget the night you said you were in love with me and my stupid response of "Oh." Oh? Seriously? How about I always knew. How about I was hoping you would say that to me. How about I feel the same way, that I have since we started to spend so much time together: before the late-night paper sessions, before my riding my bike over to your apartment in the middle of the night just so I could spend a little more time with you, even though I had just dropped you off an hour before, even though I wouldn't be able to sleep all night because I didn't want a single minute to go by where I wasn't looking at you. I felt the same way before we finally went out together alone, when we sat in that bar, in that front booth, after everyone had left us there to talk about everything. How about I'm in love with you too, but I'm just too afraid to say it because I've never felt that in that way before and am afraid of what it meant to the rest of my life, to my life before I ever met you. I want it all back. I want to go back to that night we talked in that bar and do things differently, completely. I want it to be OK to be selfish by wanting it to be OK to say that I need you and want you forever, to be OK for you to feel the same way again. I don't want it to be too late.
********************
Truth 1: It's not too late.
Truth 2: Maybe it is.
Truth 3: It's always been you whom I've been trying to impress.
Saturday, April 12, 2008
one hundred
And for my 100th post, one more Rilke quote, one that I couldn't agree with more. I love this quote because I always think of this type of prison as the fear of hurting someone you love, not the other way around. This couldn't be more true:
There is no more wretched prison than the fear of hurting someone who loves you.
********************
Truth: I'm sorry
There is no more wretched prison than the fear of hurting someone who loves you.
********************
Truth: I'm sorry
Letters on Life
This, indeed is life's most fervent miracle: to suspend us in a state of hovering from which we may still impart something but can no longer reveal ourselves...
*
One never knows to what extent small and even the pettiest things might console and affirm us with regard to that which truly matters.
*
How telling that some people have defined the human to be the common element and the site where everybody can find and recognize each other. One has to learn to realize that it is precisely the human that makes us lonely.
*
All of our insights occur after the fact.
*
Is not everything that happens to us, whether or not we desire or solicit it, always glorious and full of the purest, clearest justice?
*
There is a single, deadly mistake that we can make: to attach ourselves to another human being even if only for an instant.
~Rilke, trans. Ulrich Baer
********************
As great a poet as Rilke was, I can't believe how amazing his letters were. It's interesting, and fairly obvious, that others can say exactly those things you are feeling, or at least can express as closely as possible those things you are feeling, that you can't seem to find words to get out.
*
One never knows to what extent small and even the pettiest things might console and affirm us with regard to that which truly matters.
*
How telling that some people have defined the human to be the common element and the site where everybody can find and recognize each other. One has to learn to realize that it is precisely the human that makes us lonely.
*
All of our insights occur after the fact.
*
Is not everything that happens to us, whether or not we desire or solicit it, always glorious and full of the purest, clearest justice?
*
There is a single, deadly mistake that we can make: to attach ourselves to another human being even if only for an instant.
~Rilke, trans. Ulrich Baer
********************
As great a poet as Rilke was, I can't believe how amazing his letters were. It's interesting, and fairly obvious, that others can say exactly those things you are feeling, or at least can express as closely as possible those things you are feeling, that you can't seem to find words to get out.
Friday, April 11, 2008
so empty, so estranged
She lifts her skirt up to her knees,
walks through the garden rows with her bare feet, laughing.
I never learned to count my blessings.
I choose instead to dwell in my disasters.
I walk on down the hill,
through the grass grown tall and brown.
And still it's hard somehow to let go of my pain.
On past the busted back
of that old and rusted Cadillac
that sinks into this field collecting rain.
Will I always feel this way,
so empty, so estranged?
Of these cutthroat busted sunsets,
these cold and damp white mornings, I have grown weary.
If through my cracked and dusty dime-store lips,
I spoke these words out loud would no one hear me?
Lay your blouse across the chair,
let fall the flowers from your hair,
and kiss me with that country mouth so plain.
Outside the rain is tapping on the leaves.
To me it sounds like they're applauding us,
the quiet love we make.
Will I always feel this way,
so empty, so estranged?
Well I looked my demons in the eye,
laid bare my chest, said do your best, destroy me.
See I've been to hell and back so many times,
I must admit you kinda bore me.
There's a lot of things that can kill a man.
There's a lot of ways to die.
Yes and some already dead and walk beside me.
There's a lot of things I don't understand:
why so many people lie.
It's the hurt I hide that fuels the fires inside me.
Will I always feel this way,
so empty, so estranged.
~"Empty" Ray Lamontagne
********************
I have to say that most of that song applies to how I usually feel. Especially the "I never learned to count my blessings. I choose instead to dwell in my disasters" part. It's just hard to let go of the bad things from the past and so easy to forget all the good.
walks through the garden rows with her bare feet, laughing.
I never learned to count my blessings.
I choose instead to dwell in my disasters.
I walk on down the hill,
through the grass grown tall and brown.
And still it's hard somehow to let go of my pain.
On past the busted back
of that old and rusted Cadillac
that sinks into this field collecting rain.
Will I always feel this way,
so empty, so estranged?
Of these cutthroat busted sunsets,
these cold and damp white mornings, I have grown weary.
If through my cracked and dusty dime-store lips,
I spoke these words out loud would no one hear me?
Lay your blouse across the chair,
let fall the flowers from your hair,
and kiss me with that country mouth so plain.
Outside the rain is tapping on the leaves.
To me it sounds like they're applauding us,
the quiet love we make.
Will I always feel this way,
so empty, so estranged?
Well I looked my demons in the eye,
laid bare my chest, said do your best, destroy me.
See I've been to hell and back so many times,
I must admit you kinda bore me.
There's a lot of things that can kill a man.
There's a lot of ways to die.
Yes and some already dead and walk beside me.
There's a lot of things I don't understand:
why so many people lie.
It's the hurt I hide that fuels the fires inside me.
Will I always feel this way,
so empty, so estranged.
~"Empty" Ray Lamontagne
********************
I have to say that most of that song applies to how I usually feel. Especially the "I never learned to count my blessings. I choose instead to dwell in my disasters" part. It's just hard to let go of the bad things from the past and so easy to forget all the good.
so let's start at the beginning of this story...
There you were in your perfection looking on.
You could see that I could only run in circles for so long.
You just press on and on and on until you finally catch a grip on me.
Like gravity you take me around and turn me upside down.
That's when it all came screaming back.
Just like gravity, what draws you to me,
someone I didn't know I needed?
It's like gravity, it's stronger than me.
I need you here.
~The Fold
You could see that I could only run in circles for so long.
You just press on and on and on until you finally catch a grip on me.
Like gravity you take me around and turn me upside down.
That's when it all came screaming back.
Just like gravity, what draws you to me,
someone I didn't know I needed?
It's like gravity, it's stronger than me.
I need you here.
~The Fold
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
battered and just left for dead
take this song of love
disfigure it in any way you can
while you have your chance
'cause I'll never sing of love again, again...
~Nural
********************
I felt like complete ass today. I hope I can actually get some sleep tonight. At least more than last night. I wish I could actually describe to someone how I actually feel everyday. My difficulty in doing so is mainly because I just can't seem to put it into any words that would actually make sense. I suppose I feel like I'm constantly falling to my death from an impossibly high cliff. I know what's at the bottom, but I can't help but hope that it's something else. Anything but what I know it is or just more empty space.
Oh, and I have the title for my first book of poems I'll probably never publish, courtesy of Chazz from Blades of Glory: Let Me Put My Poems in You.
********************
Fact: "Love is not a bandage to cover wounds." ~ Hugh Elliott
disfigure it in any way you can
while you have your chance
'cause I'll never sing of love again, again...
~Nural
********************
I felt like complete ass today. I hope I can actually get some sleep tonight. At least more than last night. I wish I could actually describe to someone how I actually feel everyday. My difficulty in doing so is mainly because I just can't seem to put it into any words that would actually make sense. I suppose I feel like I'm constantly falling to my death from an impossibly high cliff. I know what's at the bottom, but I can't help but hope that it's something else. Anything but what I know it is or just more empty space.
Oh, and I have the title for my first book of poems I'll probably never publish, courtesy of Chazz from Blades of Glory: Let Me Put My Poems in You.
********************
Fact: "Love is not a bandage to cover wounds." ~ Hugh Elliott
I just can't seem to get it right today.
I guess I'm gonna give up.
~JP
********************
Truth: Life is full of only holding on and letting go.
~JP
********************
Truth: Life is full of only holding on and letting go.
Monday, April 7, 2008
Leave it to me to live out a lie
Mice playing the piano?
********************
I suppose living by myself wouldn't be too bad. It's just not the same though. This place is so empty right now. It's pathetic that it's only been two full days and I feel like I do. I just don't like it too much. And as much as I love the dog, she really doesn't say too much.
********************
Truth: If you don't have something nice to say, you probably have an opinion.
********************
I suppose living by myself wouldn't be too bad. It's just not the same though. This place is so empty right now. It's pathetic that it's only been two full days and I feel like I do. I just don't like it too much. And as much as I love the dog, she really doesn't say too much.
********************
Truth: If you don't have something nice to say, you probably have an opinion.
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